Monday, December 29, 2008

One Day

First off I should note that for the sake of people's privacy other than my own, I shall henceforth change the names of the people I discuss in this blog.

One friggin day with this blog and it's already causing problems. That's the problem with honesty - people don't want the truth. Why should I apologize for the way I feel? I can't make myself not feel this way..

I got together with erm.. "Daniel" tonight. It was nice. We had some coffee and tea and played a couple games of scrabble - something we've done on and off since we first started seeing each other. I suppose our relationship has become somewhat complex over the last little while. We've both always agreed that monogamy pretty much defies human nature, though neither of us had ever pursued other romantic relationships while being involved with each other. We lived together for eight months, which ended a month ago. Actually, about a month and a half previous to that we sat down and had "the talk". It was the turning point for us really. We both laid it on the table: our problems, discomforts, everything. We both wanted to end it and then we realized that our problems really just came down to lack of communication and too-close living quarters - that we actually really dug each other.

Well anyways, we made our arrangements to move into separate places and now here I am and there he is. We see each other pretty frequently given the physical distance between us. Then came the ex. And the blog. "Daniel" had been blogging on this thing for a while and of course as soon as I mentioned that I had started one of my own, he asked what it was called and started reading. I knew that perhaps my feelings were unfounded... WHICH I WROTE. Maybe they are, maybe they're not, but I feel how I feel and that is that. I refuse to apologize for them. At the end of the evening he told me I have jealousy issues, that my feelings are "unfair". What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I don't know what my issues are really, but we all have them and yes they're unfair, they make us say and do stupid things, they turn us into monsters and hypocrites and idiots, but you know what? We all have them. Throw the first stone why don't you?

I love "Daniel", I really do. I think I'm a better person for having the experiences with him that I have. He thinks I have issues and vice versa, but I guess that's how it goes. Everyone always trying to fix each other. You point out what's wrong with me, I point out what's wrong with you and where are we? In misery. Desperate trying to be and do better for someone that's supposed to love us unconditionally. It's exhausting.

And "Daniel"? If this one is upsetting you, I suggest not reading any more.

1 comment:

  1. Jealousy, how I see it, can be a positive thing. Meaning that it shows how much you care for a person's wellbeing, in a very passionate way. However, don't let jealousy control your feelings too much because that's where the darker side of jealousy kicks in. Paranoia, manipulative behavior, etc.

    Yes, we all have issues but the key is to set up a right balance in our emotions. Don't let yourself get carried away too much. Take care.