This whole Christmas thing boggles me year after year. Too much to plan, too much to drink, too much, too much, much too much. STOP!
I'm terribly confused/upset/worried today. For no good reason, really. A lover hooked up with his extremely manipulative ex a couple days ago. I called him to see what he was up to that night. He told me where he was. I hung up. Now don't get me wrong, by "hooked up" I do not intend to imply "adult activity". Nothing of the sort, unless you count red wine. I was upset. Very upset. Still am. I'm confused... I feel betrayed. Not because of the get-together, but because I had no idea the lines of communication between them were even open. I didn't know until I called and there he was. A big old chunk of me is kicking myself for even giving it a second thought. He shouldn't have to answer to me. He doesn't have to answer to me, but it would be nice to know, y'know? He spent the last year we were together telling me all about the horrible atrocities she bestowed on him, her friends, her family and now they're enjoying the vino (something I unfortunately got him hooked on) all comfy cozy at her house - I don't get it. No matter how hard I try, I still do not understand. The timing is undeniably fishy. We stop living together, I'm leaving soon for a couple months - the ex magically re-appears. Hrmph.
I leave in two weeks for California. My travel partner gave me a stern talking to this evening about doing too much research and planning instead of just letting go and letting it happen. She's right, but I felt very much put in my place by the sternness in her voice. I'm overly defensive today. I know that. On a good day, the tone of her voice wouldn't have meant anything. Sigh.
It's funny how when I get in these moods I get into the whole self-punishment thing. I spent a good hour reading ancient e-mails from ex-boyfriends. Why do I even keep them? It was a weird experience. How Neil and I tried to hurt each other after the break up, how Steven always called me "baby". I had forgotten about that. I wonder what that guy is up to these days. No I don't. Yes I do.