Monday, December 29, 2008

One Day

First off I should note that for the sake of people's privacy other than my own, I shall henceforth change the names of the people I discuss in this blog.

One friggin day with this blog and it's already causing problems. That's the problem with honesty - people don't want the truth. Why should I apologize for the way I feel? I can't make myself not feel this way..

I got together with erm.. "Daniel" tonight. It was nice. We had some coffee and tea and played a couple games of scrabble - something we've done on and off since we first started seeing each other. I suppose our relationship has become somewhat complex over the last little while. We've both always agreed that monogamy pretty much defies human nature, though neither of us had ever pursued other romantic relationships while being involved with each other. We lived together for eight months, which ended a month ago. Actually, about a month and a half previous to that we sat down and had "the talk". It was the turning point for us really. We both laid it on the table: our problems, discomforts, everything. We both wanted to end it and then we realized that our problems really just came down to lack of communication and too-close living quarters - that we actually really dug each other.

Well anyways, we made our arrangements to move into separate places and now here I am and there he is. We see each other pretty frequently given the physical distance between us. Then came the ex. And the blog. "Daniel" had been blogging on this thing for a while and of course as soon as I mentioned that I had started one of my own, he asked what it was called and started reading. I knew that perhaps my feelings were unfounded... WHICH I WROTE. Maybe they are, maybe they're not, but I feel how I feel and that is that. I refuse to apologize for them. At the end of the evening he told me I have jealousy issues, that my feelings are "unfair". What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I don't know what my issues are really, but we all have them and yes they're unfair, they make us say and do stupid things, they turn us into monsters and hypocrites and idiots, but you know what? We all have them. Throw the first stone why don't you?

I love "Daniel", I really do. I think I'm a better person for having the experiences with him that I have. He thinks I have issues and vice versa, but I guess that's how it goes. Everyone always trying to fix each other. You point out what's wrong with me, I point out what's wrong with you and where are we? In misery. Desperate trying to be and do better for someone that's supposed to love us unconditionally. It's exhausting.

And "Daniel"? If this one is upsetting you, I suggest not reading any more.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Another Sunday

Sundays are strange, as days go and as a general rule in my book. I've been vlogging now on youtube for two years and have decided to go back my roots of pen and paper, or rather ones and zeros and cursors as the case seems to be. My forthcoming travels require me to find an alternative to the video camera - this is it, I guess.

This whole Christmas thing boggles me year after year. Too much to plan, too much to drink, too much, too much, much too much. STOP!

I'm terribly confused/upset/worried today. For no good reason, really. A lover hooked up with his extremely manipulative ex a couple days ago. I called him to see what he was up to that night. He told me where he was. I hung up. Now don't get me wrong, by "hooked up" I do not intend to imply "adult activity". Nothing of the sort, unless you count red wine. I was upset. Very upset. Still am. I'm confused... I feel betrayed. Not because of the get-together, but because I had no idea the lines of communication between them were even open. I didn't know until I called and there he was. A big old chunk of me is kicking myself for even giving it a second thought. He shouldn't have to answer to me. He doesn't have to answer to me, but it would be nice to know, y'know? He spent the last year we were together telling me all about the horrible atrocities she bestowed on him, her friends, her family and now they're enjoying the vino (something I unfortunately got him hooked on) all comfy cozy at her house - I don't get it. No matter how hard I try, I still do not understand. The timing is undeniably fishy. We stop living together, I'm leaving soon for a couple months - the ex magically re-appears. Hrmph.

I leave in two weeks for California. My travel partner gave me a stern talking to this evening about doing too much research and planning instead of just letting go and letting it happen. She's right, but I felt very much put in my place by the sternness in her voice. I'm overly defensive today. I know that. On a good day, the tone of her voice wouldn't have meant anything. Sigh.

It's funny how when I get in these moods I get into the whole self-punishment thing. I spent a good hour reading ancient e-mails from ex-boyfriends. Why do I even keep them? It was a weird experience. How Neil and I tried to hurt each other after the break up, how Steven always called me "baby". I had forgotten about that. I wonder what that guy is up to these days. No I don't. Yes I do.