The Flower Girl

Today has been quite eventful. I got up and made breakfast for a couple of my current hosts at the Tannery. We drove to the farmers' market and met "Bill the bulb baron", a man who has a flower farm just outside the city. He agreed to let me peddle flowers and work on his farm when he has space. He was going to put me to work this afternoon, but already had several pairs of eager hands at his service. He reminded me of my old boss (the positive aspects of him anyhow) in a way.. it was a little weird.

We then drove up to meet Glenys, a woman whose elderly father has a place with two spare rooms not too far from downtown. I've been trying to find a sublet here in Santa Cruz for February for a couple weeks now - the rent here is generally obscene and it was looking as though I wouldn't manage to get anything for less than $700/month. I was discouraged until I met Glenys and her dad. The place is mine. I pick the key up on Saturday. $350/month, everything included. In case you don't know rent prices in California, that my friends, is a friggin' sweet deal.

So, I'm here for another month. With my own space. With some work. Outdoor work. I have most assuredly scored.

I worry about life back home. I think about the seclusion that comes with the snow and the cold and how it can drive you mad sometimes. I almost feel bad sometimes talking about the fullness of my heart, the warm air, my ocean visits and the relationship I've formed with the world at large. I wish I could put it all in an envelope and send some home. I wish, I wish.

The Vortex

All week people have been warning me about "the vortex" that is Santa Cruz. People get stuck here. I'm beginning to see why. My week of experiences here has given me a new outlook on everything. I find myself coming out of a shell that I didn't know I was in for the most part. It feels good. It feels weird. I want to know what's on the other side of myself.

I had a plan the other day to "introspect". I took a walk to a local cafe in the sun with a notebook and pen and nothing came. I sat and tried to go inside my heart and my mind and figure out where the thoughts and feelings fit into the desire of my soul. Nothing. It was just so beautiful outside. The coffee was delicious. I was just "being". Holy s*&t - I'm just being! The soul doesn't require action on my part. Action is secondary. I'm finally beginning to get it.

Overcome

My travels find me in Santa Cruz, California at the moment. Beautiful weather, beautiful people, I love this town. It still hasn't hit me that I'm on "vacation" per se, I suppose partially because I'm staying with locals, doing local type things; weeding through clothes at the thrift store, grocery shopping, long walks and all of that. I'm pretty overwhelmed and unsure of how to describe my feelings. I feel "full" here, it that makes any kind of sense. Full seems like the right word right now. I met Dustin, my youtube friend a couple days ago, however because of complications with his living situation, we've been staying with his best friend, Kai. They're both amazing people, I couldn't have dreamed of better tour guides, or just people to hang with. It's gonna be tough to leave here.

Hasn't Hit Me Yet

Woooooah. Sunday again. What did I say about Sundays? I have a wee hangover after a birthday/going away party last night. It was fun. It was worth it. Totally. I saw a friend I haven't seen in many years - really cool and kinda weird. I started to get a little choked up when some people were leaving, finally coming to the realization that I may not see them again for a long time... then again, maybe I will. I guess that really sums up the point of the trip I'm taking: not knowing. There is something so wonderfully frightening and exciting about not knowing.

I think many of us spend our lives with a distinct plan in mind. When "things don't go as planned" people get upset, angry, confused. I've spent my life that way, really. At 28 years old, I'm finally in a place where it's OK to not know, it's exciting. Don't get me wrong, it also scares the living bejeesus outta me, but that's OK too.

I'm starting to miss people I haven't left yet. "Daniel"... I miss him already, despite our ups and downs and disagreements, he's my very favorite scrabble partner, lover, friend. Regardless of what happens I hope he is always my friend above all. Damn, I get all teary even writing it. Jenny of course, my god she's amazing. My friend of nearly 10 years who knows me better than almost anyone. She carries such a beautiful air about her, I hope I can carry it with me all over the world.

I'm supposed to have dinner with Jen and her sisters and their "partners" as well as "Daniel" on Tuesday evening. I hope I don't cry to much. But hey, what better company to cry with than the people that you love?

One Day

First off I should note that for the sake of people's privacy other than my own, I shall henceforth change the names of the people I discuss in this blog.

One friggin day with this blog and it's already causing problems. That's the problem with honesty - people don't want the truth. Why should I apologize for the way I feel? I can't make myself not feel this way..

I got together with erm.. "Daniel" tonight. It was nice. We had some coffee and tea and played a couple games of scrabble - something we've done on and off since we first started seeing each other. I suppose our relationship has become somewhat complex over the last little while. We've both always agreed that monogamy pretty much defies human nature, though neither of us had ever pursued other romantic relationships while being involved with each other. We lived together for eight months, which ended a month ago. Actually, about a month and a half previous to that we sat down and had "the talk". It was the turning point for us really. We both laid it on the table: our problems, discomforts, everything. We both wanted to end it and then we realized that our problems really just came down to lack of communication and too-close living quarters - that we actually really dug each other.

Well anyways, we made our arrangements to move into separate places and now here I am and there he is. We see each other pretty frequently given the physical distance between us. Then came the ex. And the blog. "Daniel" had been blogging on this thing for a while and of course as soon as I mentioned that I had started one of my own, he asked what it was called and started reading. I knew that perhaps my feelings were unfounded... WHICH I WROTE. Maybe they are, maybe they're not, but I feel how I feel and that is that. I refuse to apologize for them. At the end of the evening he told me I have jealousy issues, that my feelings are "unfair". What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I don't know what my issues are really, but we all have them and yes they're unfair, they make us say and do stupid things, they turn us into monsters and hypocrites and idiots, but you know what? We all have them. Throw the first stone why don't you?

I love "Daniel", I really do. I think I'm a better person for having the experiences with him that I have. He thinks I have issues and vice versa, but I guess that's how it goes. Everyone always trying to fix each other. You point out what's wrong with me, I point out what's wrong with you and where are we? In misery. Desperate trying to be and do better for someone that's supposed to love us unconditionally. It's exhausting.

And "Daniel"? If this one is upsetting you, I suggest not reading any more.

Another Sunday

Sundays are strange, as days go and as a general rule in my book. I've been vlogging now on youtube for two years and have decided to go back my roots of pen and paper, or rather ones and zeros and cursors as the case seems to be. My forthcoming travels require me to find an alternative to the video camera - this is it, I guess.

This whole Christmas thing boggles me year after year. Too much to plan, too much to drink, too much, too much, much too much. STOP!

I'm terribly confused/upset/worried today. For no good reason, really. A lover hooked up with his extremely manipulative ex a couple days ago. I called him to see what he was up to that night. He told me where he was. I hung up. Now don't get me wrong, by "hooked up" I do not intend to imply "adult activity". Nothing of the sort, unless you count red wine. I was upset. Very upset. Still am. I'm confused... I feel betrayed. Not because of the get-together, but because I had no idea the lines of communication between them were even open. I didn't know until I called and there he was. A big old chunk of me is kicking myself for even giving it a second thought. He shouldn't have to answer to me. He doesn't have to answer to me, but it would be nice to know, y'know? He spent the last year we were together telling me all about the horrible atrocities she bestowed on him, her friends, her family and now they're enjoying the vino (something I unfortunately got him hooked on) all comfy cozy at her house - I don't get it. No matter how hard I try, I still do not understand. The timing is undeniably fishy. We stop living together, I'm leaving soon for a couple months - the ex magically re-appears. Hrmph.

I leave in two weeks for California. My travel partner gave me a stern talking to this evening about doing too much research and planning instead of just letting go and letting it happen. She's right, but I felt very much put in my place by the sternness in her voice. I'm overly defensive today. I know that. On a good day, the tone of her voice wouldn't have meant anything. Sigh.

It's funny how when I get in these moods I get into the whole self-punishment thing. I spent a good hour reading ancient e-mails from ex-boyfriends. Why do I even keep them? It was a weird experience. How Neil and I tried to hurt each other after the break up, how Steven always called me "baby". I had forgotten about that. I wonder what that guy is up to these days. No I don't. Yes I do.